-You pull five dollars out a waitresses ear to leave a tip.
-Your twin boys are named Sigfried and Roy.
-Your idea of a fun date involves a lady and a saw.
-You have a dog named Houdini.
-You are back ordered for rabbits and mice at the pet store.
-You have more than three decks of cards on you at any given time.
-When you hear someone forced them selves on some one you wonder which card they used.
-You introduce your wife as "My assistant."
-Your a doctor; After completing a delivery of a baby you pull the sheet back and say "Ta-dum."
-Your a waiter; You do the never ending coil routine with spaghetti from your mouth.
-You own an Iron maiden.
-When meeting someone for the first time your say "Now don't tell me you name I see it begins with....A...Etc... You were born on...
-When someone ask for your card you give them the ace of diamonds.
-You wear black one the Aniversity of Houdini's death.
-You see something and wonder how long it would take to escape from it.
-You try to teach you cat to jump through burning hoops like Sigfreid and Roy's tigers.
-You try to pull things out of other peoples hats.
-Your best pick up line begins with"Pick a card".
-You own more than three tuxedos.
-You watch the space shuttle lift off and start thinking of ways to make it disappear.
-You have never been to the looney bin, yet you own a straight jacket.
-No one will play cards with you.
-The oldest deck of cards in use in your possession was purchased a week ago and you're ready to toss it.
-You can't help but wonder what those cups would look like mouth-down on the table.
-The thought of bending or writing on a playing card doesn't throw you for a loop anymore.
-You have half-dollars in your house that you acquired on purpose.
-It matters to you how someone shuffles your deck.
-When seated at a restaurant you survey the table for "props."
-When you want to put a coin into your left hand you have to first pick it up with your right.
-You are the only one of your male friends to have a nice silk collection.
-When back palming your movie ticket and producing it out of thin air.
-When you can't stand to play card games because of that tempting deck of cards.
-All your friends call when magic is on TV
-After viewing magic on TV and every one in the room looks at you asks, "How'd they do that"? All you do is smile and say, "It's really easy if you think about it, but magicians can't tell. " And your really thinking "How did they do that"?
-You make more passes with decks of cards than you do with the ladies.
-You can lose you thumb tip and visit the magic shop instead of the emergency ward.
- He had a spit cup on stage.
- His favorite trick is "Pull my finger."
- He has a Copenhagen ring on the back of his tux pants.
- People accuse him of lying through his tooth.
- Instead of live animals, he uses road kill.
- Most of his equipment is made from road cones and spools.
- His assistant is wearing cut offs and a halter top.
- Instead of a rabbit, he pulls a opossum out of his hat
- All of his cards say Coors or Budweiser on the back.
- Uses a Chain saw to cut a lady in half.
- His parol office is in the audience.
- Instead of a the milk can escape he uses a keg.
- He is billed as Bubba the Great.
- He does the bullet catch with a sawed off shot gun.
- Instead of a rope escape he uses duct tape.
- His stomach hangs 5 inches over his belt.
- For a grand finale he pull a rabbit from behind his belt buckle.
- All of his props are painted primer grey.
- His top hat says John Deer on the front.
- All his magic supplies are from the dollar store.
- His zippers don't have teeth either.
- His big escape is from a sleeper hold.
- Uses a stuffed deer head at least twice in him act.
- He has Houdini tattooed on his arm.
- If his big debut show was the prison rodeo.
- If, for his grand finale, he levitates the rear end of a beat up '75 Camaro to the proper height for "cruising"
- If he uses the word "supposably" in his patter
- His card to wallet has a chain on it
- If he refers to the other side of the stage as "yonder"
- If his two assistants are Daryl and his other brother Daryl
- His exit theme is the music from the end of the Beverly Hillbillies, "Ya'll come back now,Y'hear"
-His tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise
-He has a Bud Light pool table light hanging over his table
-He has STP stickers on his magic table
-He steals Toliet paper from the restroom befor the show
-He takes beer and jerky as payment for a show
-If he has ever done a show at the Waffle House
-If he dips snuff durring his show
- His Shirt has no sleeves.
- He keeps saying "this one I learned in the Joint."
- He has him mother as an assistant and callers her honey.
- He is in a hurry "Cus' I gotta get home fer wresting."
- He says "I got dis one outta Outdoor Life."
- He smokes during the entire show
- He has a can of "Bud" on his platform.
- He has ever eaten one of his Doves or Rabbits
- He thinks sleeving is something you do when you have a cold
- He thinks he has to dirobe to do a stripper deck
- He looses a thumb tip wile picking his nose
- He thinks the Vernon Cronicles is a PBS special
- He thinks the square circle is a good ol' boy's bar
- He thinks the mis-made flag is something Betsy Ross Did stoned
- He thinks Twisted Sister is some girls he used to know
- He thinks the Needle through the Arm is something done by a clumsy Seamstress
- He thinks an egg bag is an old lady who raises chickens
- He thinks a flase cut is a noise made under your arm pit using your hand
- He thinks Copper & Silver was an episode of America's most wanted
- He says that the Multiplying Rabbits is just an act of nature
- He Thinks the French Arm chopperis something he saw on home shooping network for $19.99
- He thinks Bro. John Hamman might be the name of the guy who plays the organ in church on sundays...
- If he has ever doubled the tail gate of your truck as a close up table/wet bar.
- If he has ever vanished a coin into a bandana that was previously wrapped around your head and covered with a cowboy hat.
- If you have ever performed shot glass surprise repeatedly until you amazingly vanish your dignity and or consciousness.
- If he has ever opened for a Hank Williams Jr concert.
- If the coin He pulled out of your ear was sticky
- If he has blown your nose on his silks
- He broke your arm doing the Arm twisting illusion
- He pulls roadkill out of a hat
- He can't perform card to wallet because the chain is too short.
- He can't do a book test because he don't know how to read "them big ol' words."
- He does a spirit box effect using an Out House.
- He does multiplping Rocky Mt. Oysters.
-I was doing the floating bill the other night. All of a sudden, the thread broke. Man, I've never seen bill get so upset.
-Thumb tip: Keep your thumb out of electric sockets.
-Unless you really, really like the spectator, avoid performing a pass during you presentation.
-I inadvertently humiliated one of my half dollars the other day...now it won't come out of its shell.
-The cop called it shoplifting...I called it palming.
Top Five Indications You're Too Into Magic
5. You back palm your breakfast toast.
4. You classic palm your communion host.
3. You believe $2.50 for a bottle of Coke is a rip-off, yet $250.00 for Coke Bottle To Dove is a bargain.
2. You believe bottom palming involves cards.
…and the #1 sign you're too into magic…
1. Most videos you own each cost more than $40.00, yet none would embarrass your mother
Top Ten Middle-Of-The-Night Messages Siegfried Leaves on Roy's Answering Machine
10. "Don't forget, tomorrow's the day we bleach the tigers."
9. "Hi Siegfried, it's Roy -- or wait, am I Siegfried? Either way, call me."
8. "I was just watching a documentary about tigers and it sorta made me think of you."
7. "I'm still combing your darn sequins out of my hair."
6. "Want to go to Hooters and pretend to look at chicks?"
5. "Come quick... Crazed bengal... Losing blood..."
4. "Don't kid yourself -- I can always find another sexually-ambiguous, freaky looking, German magician/animal trainer."
3. "I just had a terrible realization -- we're ridiculous."
2. "Got any shaving cream? I'm doing my chest and I ran out."
1. "Dr. Carlson says it's time for our yearly face-tightenin
For those who read MagicTalk
Top Five Signs Your Posts To MT Might Elicit Some Nasty Responses
5. You introduce a new, independently developed sleight: The Octuple Lift
4. You provide helpful hints and worthwhile advice. Unfortunately, your topic is Cajun Sea Bass.
3. Every post includes a link to your site: wwww.donkeybutt.com.
2. You revisit the day you "put Vernon in his place".
...and the number one sign your post to MT might elicit some nasty responses...
1. Every post begins with "Dear Ignorant Ba$tards"
and another
You have been hired to provide light entertainment at a Hell's Angels afternoon tea. Things have, however, gotten out of hand: Big Joe has torn your Magic Colouring Book to shreds, Meat is using your 20th Century Silks to buff the chrome on his Harley, and Skull has taken your Crystal Silk Cylinder out back and is doing unspeakable things. What is your best course of action ?
(a) Politely inform the bikers you are a trained professional and if they don't behave themselves the gloves are going to come off.
(b) Join Skull out back; perhaps he knows something you don't.
(c) Make an offer to perform free shows for the rival Satan's Servants biker gang in exchange for their "intervention".
(d) In a loud and condescending tone, tell the bikers you are going to call their parents.
(e) Run. Run like the wind.
A spectator has just grabbed the entire deck from you, selected a card and put it into their pocket, and stuck the balance of the deck into another pocket. The spectator now challenges you to name the selection. What is your best course of action?
(a) Threaten to perform your 20-minute "Dice Bomb Bonanza" act if the deck isn't promptly returned.
(b) Drive a swift, hard one into the spectator's tender area, at the same time stating: "Never! Ever! Don't ever mess with Mr. Magic!!!". Once the spectator has crumpled into a fetal position, it is a simple matter to retrieve the cards. (I like this one)
(c) Employ your actual mind-reading powers.
(d) Start wailing like a baby. I mean, really let it out...top of the lungs kinda stuff. The other spectators are likely to feel sorry for you and will politely ask the offending spectator to return the deck. Once the deck is returned, pout and sniffle for added effect. Go off to a corner and sulk. Wave away anyone who comes over to provide comfort. Eventually ask someone for a ride home.
(e) Take off your pants. Although this doesn't really solve anything, it's fun.
-these were from a post by JD
How to Snappily Answer Stupid Magic Questions
Here's How:
You're asked a question like: "How'd you do that?!?", you reply, "Very well, thank you!" ...or, "Can you keep a secret...? So can I!"
When asked, "Can you make my [wife/child/tax attorney/teacher/whatever] disappear?", you reply, "Aw... too late... they already paid me to make you disappear!"
After your show, someone asks you, "How long have you been doing magic?", you look at your watch and say, "Oh, about 40 minutes or so."
Tips:
Always say these with a twinkle in your eye. You're not supposed to be Don Rickles, you know.
Use your judgment. I may only say a line like those if I am trying to be "cute".
How to Do the "Pull a Rabbit from the Hat" Gag
Here's How:
Grab a hat -- preferably yours.
Say you are going to pull a rabbit from your hat!
Look inside and reach in.
Smile.
Look at the audience.
Now look confused and look into the hat.
Say, "Oh... it's just a hair!" (Hair? Hare? Get it?)
Pretend to pull out a hair with your fingertips.
Run!
Tips:
Play this up. It's a really cute gag.
However, don't "ham it up" too much.
I’m a bit worried about the future - I went to a funeral this week - and caught the wreath.
I borrowed a book from the library about levitation. I just can’t put it down.
I bought a book called " How to be happy without money". It cost $375.00
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous
This envelope is not stuck down. Its stuck up.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
If at first you don't succeed, then you're doing about average
If, at first, you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, then failure is a real possibility
If at first you don't succeed, then parachuting is definitely not for you.
Parachuting can be great fun, if the parachute opens
Ninety nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The Lawyer's Creed: "A person is innocent until proven broke."
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.
Did you read about the one-eyed dinosaur? Its called a Djathinkeesaurus.
It was the only animal to keep a domestic dog as a pet. The Djathinkeesaurus-Rex
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
I keep trying to lose weight but it always finds me.
This sentence contains only one nonstandard English flutzpah.
Pawnbrokers live off the flat of the land.
Sign on Closed Nuclear Power Plant - "Gone Fission"
I went on a diet - had to go on two diets at the same time 'cause one diet wasn't giving me enough food.
Two atoms were overheard talking: "Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!"
It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.
How many ears does Mr. Spock have? Three, a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.
If you receive something that says "Send this to everyone you know," PLEASE pretend you don't know me.
Rope Tricks...Do you know why magicians cut then dip the ends in glue?
For the same purpose that our feet are attached to our legs; Our feet keep our legs from fraying. Think about it...why do you suppose we trim our toe nails.
After you have restored your rope..( hold the ends of the rope and let them dangle a few inches)." I learned this trick from an entertainer..."(Begin to twirl the rope at each end)..." Her name was Cup cakes."
Did you hear the one about the bug that flew into a cows ear and came out in the milk? It went in one ear and out the udder!
Always remember, you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday
When performing a transposition to or from a volunteers pocket, hand or whatever, say:
"Did you feel that?" "No" "Aren't you feeling very well today"
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART!?
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.......not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I smile because I don't know what's going on.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There are 2 kinds of people: those who finish what they start...
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie!"...till you can find a rock.
Here's a visual gag to use during a chop cup routine. While doing my next to final load, I say to the audience that they probably think I'm using two balls. I tell them their partially right, and produce from the chop cup a small pear (yes the fruit). It usually gets an extra chuckle that adds more misdirection for the final load.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk. -- Steven King, 3/8/90
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
When you mix up some tuna
And some cheese with some cream
That's a mornay!
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Some people have six pack abdomens. I have a keg.
I keep trying to lose weight but it always finds me.
Magic is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet."
"God not only plays dice, He sometimes throws the dice where they cannot be seen." - S. Hawking
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense
I have been poor and I have been rich. Rich is better.
I just need enough money to tide me over until I need more
Money doesn't buy happiness, but it does give you more time to dwell on your misery.
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. - Albert Einstein
"I think not," said Descartes; and promptly disappeared.
"I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff." - Tom Neff
“If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it." - Pat Bahn
The way to make a small fortune being a magician is to start with a large fortune.
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for magic, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
"It's bad luck to be superstitious." - Andrew W. Mathis
"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done".
This effect is just fabulous! You won’t have seen anything like it in the last half an hour
Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." - Lily Tomlin
"Modem," said the gardener when he'd finished the lawn..
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." - Abe Lincoln
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
There's no such thing as gravity - the earth sucks
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them
This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys ...
"To be, or not to be."--Hamlet "Do-bee-do-bee-do."--Sinatra
I have a pack of cards from an airline company. I pointed this out to the spectators and then find the jack of clubs:
"This is Jack. He's a frequent flier club!"
More heckler stoppers
Sit in the chair Sir, we'll plug it in later!
Go home Sir, your cage must be cleaned out by now!
It must be good stuff your drinking Sir - I can't understand a word you're saying!
Lean against the wall Sir - It's plastered to!
Next time you consider suicide, don't put your head in the oven - Put the oven in your mouth!
Act like a man. Or don't you do impressions?
After the show, do you want to go to the medicine cabinet to have a drink?
Have you ever thought of selling yourself to a ventriloquist?
I wouldn't let your mind wander - It's too young to be out by itself!
Next time he opens his mouth, we all jump in!
I bet your the only person who goes on holiday and gets a sunburnt tongue!
Don't worry Sir, I won't make fun of you; It's "Be Kind To Animals" week!
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN THE RESTAURANT MAGIC BUSINESS
5. You insist on performing The Mash Potato Card Revelation.
4. Virtually everyone seems to be spilling their coffee on you.
3. Most of the tips you receive involve looking both ways before crossing the street.
2. The table interrupts your performance to order the nachos.
...and, the #1 sign you shouldn't be in the restaurant magic business...
1. Halfway through your performance, you're always asked if "You wanna step outside?"
TOP FIVE WAYS GUARANTEED TO IRRITATE THE GUY WHO RUNS THE MAGIC SHOP
5. Hang around the counter. Every time someone comes in and asks the owner whether or not one of the new items in stock is any good, breathe in sharply while grimacing and shaking your head. Should the prospective customer ask you what the problem is, look sideways and say "Oh, nothing..."
4. Every time the owner quotes you a price, mention that "Fitzgibbon's Emporium O' Magic And Travel Agency" on the other side of town sells the same item for 20% less. When the owner tells you he's never heard of Fitzgibbon's always answer with "Yeah, I know...ol' Fitzy likes it that way..."
3. After every demo say "Ahhhh...ooookkaayyyyy...anyway, thanks, got to hit the Home Depot before it closes..."
2. Ask for tricks that have not been invented by magicians that don't exist. "Do you have Bob Pladgett's 'Suplex-Duplex'?" Tell them it's all the rage on the Internet. When they say "no", mutter under your breath something which includes "dinosaur" and "get with the program".
...and the number one way guaranteed to irritate the guy who runs the magic shop...
1. Buy magician's wax absolutely every time you visit.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR REGISTRATION FOR NEXT YEAR'S CONVENTION WILL BE CONVENIENTLY LOST
5. You insisted on organizing a tailgate party, "The Riffles 'n' Ribs Kegger & Tequila Blowout", in the parking lot before the doors opened on both Saturday and Sunday morning.
4. You stood up on your chair before every guest magician's lecture to loudly inform the participants that immediately following the lecture you would be in the hotel lobby to provide the "...real work on this bozo's half-baked ideas..."
3. You set up a full-fledged trading board in the dealers' room, complete with real-time quotes, to make money arbitraging the price discrepancies among the various dealers.
2. You heckled during the "Memories of Dai Vernon" video presentation.
...and the number one sign your registration for next year's convention will be conveniently lost...
1. Four out of every five conversations you had over the weekend ended with you screaming "YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?"
LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC
Did you know...
David Copperfield only went with that name after experiencing difficulties fitting A Tale Of Two Cities on his driver's license.
When magic dealers say they no longer have an item in stock, they actually do; it's just they don't like your face, man.
The Chicago police force's SWAT team was recently outfitted with Dice Bombs in lieu of pepper spray.
T. Nelson Downs was the King of Koins. Although many remain unsure what a koin is (koin is similar to the old English term koen which is a type of wheelbarrow, but it is unlikely he was the wheelbarrow king) some scholars believe koin is actually a play on the word coin. This makes sense since Downs was considered one of magic's formidable coin experts.
Harry Houdini was not his original name; it was, in fact, Ehrich Houdini.
The Crystal Silk Cylinder is not made with crystal but, rather, some fascinating space-age material.
The Invisible Deck is, in fact, visible, although no one is entirely certain what happens when their back is turned.
A recent worldwide survey of torturers revealed none of them is familiar with the Chinese Water Torture Cell. When you think about it, padlocking someone face down in a box full of water isn't torture, it's more of a drowning thing. Perhaps it should be called the Chinese Water Drowning Cell.
The Double Lift was originally entitled the 50-Card Undercut.
Ringo Starr couldn't second deal if his life depended on it.
Robert Houdin is considered the Father of Modern Magic. Recent innovations in DNA testing reveal that Modern (who would later go by the nickname Mo) may, in fact, have been fathered by someone else. It is for this reason Mo Magic was eventually considered the First B*stard of Magic.
...and...
Magic Talk is actually a daily compilation of secret coded messages to alien invaders on the planet Zetar in the Pyrithian galaxy. You accidentally stumbled upon it and were, until now, completely unaware of its real purpose. Creepy, no?
MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC
Did you know...
Columbus used a gyroscope to discover America. NASA used a gyroscope to put a man on the moon. P.T.Selbit used one to build the Mighty Cheese.
Manipulating sponge balls can be very agonizing for the sponge. We recommend going with synthetics.
Doug Henning went with his famous "NOW!" magical incantation only after finding that "WHEN!" was far too ambiguous.
If the playing card cartel were to decide one day to make playing cards triangular rather than their current shape, virtually 75% of card sleights would become obsolete. The chance this could happen is a good reason to stop practising.
Lance Burton has a really cool first name: Lance. I mean, who would mess with someone named Lance?
When David Copperfield vanished the Statue of Liberty, a "little piece of America" vanished as well. Good thing he brought it back.
Table-hopping is a useful restaurant performance technique only, and only if one understands exactly what is meant by table-hopping. Otherwise it is just embarrassing.
The Thomas Meier who won the 1997 FISM close-up contest at age 19 is not the same Thomas Meier with whom I went to high school, he just goes by the same name.
An extensive 1997 survey of households in China revealed none of them owned a set of Linking Rings leading to speculation the whole "Chinese" Linking Rings thing is merely a marketing ploy.
It may be no simple coincidence the word "bomb" appears in Dice Bomb.
...and...
According to the Office of Statistics and Programming, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, just over 11 out of every 100,000 Americans screwed up the infamous Bullet Catch Trick in 1998.
Card Smash: Spectator freely selects card (no force) and shuffles it back into deck. Magician promptly lunges at spectator and pummels them into unconsciousness. When spectator comes to, the selection has been jammed up their nose.
Extract teeth from several women, load the molars in a canon, and fire at the victims. When the echoes of the explosion had died away, the ladies would find "their teeth, white and sound," back in their mouths.
Gather watches, jewels and, if the audience requested it, cash, and put the valuables in a trunk, which would be dispatched to the city of Kassel. A week later, if each person tore up the receipt the magician had given him, the missing items would reappear.
TOP FIVE LEGACIES FOR WHICH MAGICIANS SHOULD NOT ASPIRE
5. To be for highly irritated chimpanzees what Channing Pollock was for doves.
4. In their biography, to have both "King" and "Dice Bomb" show up in the same sentence.
3. To be remembered as "Oh yeah, I think I read about that guy in the papers...some sort of escape artist...messed up a TV special...ouch...I think he failed a jail escape in Turkestan and then some obscure technicality kicked in...yeah, with the courts. Man, I don't think he saw that coming...can you say Midnight Expressville?...ha ha ha ha...well anyways...heh heh...you watch the game last night?"
2. The Great Smelllikecrapini
...and the number one legacy for which magicians should not aspire...
1. Magician, philanthropist, bon bivant, & criminally depraved studded-leather fetishist.
TOP FIVE SIGNS MAGIC IS NOT FOR YOU
5. That Dice Bomb rocks! And I mean rocks!
4. You believe there's nothing more satisfying than cozying up to the fire with a nice cup of java and some legible and well-illustrated lecture notes.
3. An unrelenting desire to show those mean little kids exactly who's in charge.
2. $10 for a magic trick?
...and the number one sign magic is not for you...
1. An unwillingness to drop your pants in the event of a crisis.
The surprise revelation of a signed selected card remains one of the most powerful and oft-explored branches of card performance style. Since the time playing cards were first introduced by Queen Elizabeth I's court jester, Jingles IV, the library of revelation routines has continued to grow unabated. What do scholars generally agree is one of the more compelling routines ever developed?
(a) Aftercard: A card is freely selected, signed, and replaced in the deck by a spectator. Spectator then begins to feel ill, but is not sure why. Spectator then succumbs to massive coronary and is rushed to hospital. While in ambulance, spectator's heart stops and spectator begins journeying down a dark tunnel at the end of which is a dazzling light and visions of long-lost relatives. One of them is seen to be holding selection. Spectator is revived. Comes complete with everything you need including beautifully silk-screened defibrillator and patter.
(b) Cardworld: A card is freely selected, signed, and replaced in the deck by a spectator. Spectator then auditions for role in over-budget movie being produced by a megalomaniac. The movie is released to much fanfare but bombs at the box office. Spectator, who feels their performance was unfairly panned by a local movie critic, then confronts the movie critic in a car in the parking lot of the local newspaper. Much ballyhoo ensues and words are exchanged. The critic speeds off leaving a treadmark. It reveals the spectator's selection. Plays big, packs small.
(b) White Glove Revelation: A card is freely selected, signed, and replaced in the deck by a spectator. Performer then takes spectator to a famous solo artist's sold-out stadium concert. With the help of backstage passes, spectator befriends solo artist and is invited to his private amusement park. While at amusement park, a monkey gets jammed in ferris wheel mechanism and is fatally injured. Found within the monkey's innards is the spectator's selection. Comes complete with cards, concert ticket, and that special something.
(d) Time-Ace Continuum: On way to magic show, spectator finds a signed card in their front pants pocket. Once at the show, a card is freely selected, signed, and replaced in the deck by the spectator. Already came complete with everything.
(e) Rams-Ace: A card is freely selected, signed, and replaced in the deck by a spectator. The performer then enslaves the balance of the spectators and forces them to build a series of gargantuan structures of worship to various pagan gods. A virgin from among the enslaved spectators is then sacrificed on some enormous altar to appease these pagan gods and the body is then embalmed and mummified. The performer and the original spectator then enter a time machine and go two thousand years into the future whereupon they encounter some English expedition that is exploring the virgin mummy's tomb. The mummy's sarcophagus is opened and everyone is exposed to some evil curse. After being chased half across the globe by this mummy, the performer and spectator seek refuge in a mud hut in remote Madagascar. Taped to the ceiling inside the hut is the spectator's selection. Comes complete with everything. You supply the time machine.
Some magicians believe magic effects should always be quick and straight to the point. Another school of thought says it is good to occasionally work in an effect that is more involved, with added steps, and other structural whatnot. Unfortunately, this performance style is sometimes taken to extremes. Although the jury is out, what do scholars generally agree is the most tedious piece of magic ever to emerge on the professional scene?
(a) Decked Out: Spectator selects card, commits it to memory, and shuffles it back into deck. Performer takes deck and executes a rapid series of flourishes and cuts. Performer then slowly and deliberately deals out ten five-card poker hands leaving two remaining cards which are tabled face up; we'll call them Card 1 and Card 2. The poker hands are turned over in sequence; each subsequent hand beats the previous one shown, and this is repeated all the way to the tenth hand. But wait, that's not all. The spectator is then asked to add up the values of the cards in each hand, calculate the product of these resulting ten numbers, and then determine the most proximate prime number. This prime number is then multiplied by the value of the second differential of a previously selected algebraic function and taken to the power of the product of Card 1 and Card 2. At this point, the significant information overload typically causes the spectator to begin bleeding from the ears and eyes. The performer hands them a white handkerchief to sop up the pouring blood. The handkerchief is handed back, opened, and the blood has formed a pattern. It is the selected card.
(b) Me-Time-Morphosis: Similar to the standard sub trunk stage illusion, Me-Time-Morphosis is designed to fool even the greatest of sceptics. On stage is a pile of lumber, a table saw, boxes of nails, several hammers, hinges and latches, some chains and padlocks, and a glittery sub trunk curtain. Several volunteering spectators are invited to come up on stage. Once there, the spectators are instructed to construct, from scratch, a trunk that will hold the magician. In order to make the process as efficient as possible, the spectators are given blueprints. While the trunk is being constructed, some very dramatic background music plays to create the necessary level of suspense. Once constructed, the performer goes straight into the sub trunk routine. You can fill an entire, two-hour evening show with this one illusion, depending, of course, on the carpentry skills of your volunteers. Trust us: those spectators who bother sticking around to the end, and we believe some possibly may, will be completely baffled.
(c) Knock 'Em Dead Book Test: For those mentalists who wish, in no uncertain terms, to illustrate their mentalism talents, one need look no further than the Knock 'Em Dead Book Test. A spectator randomly selects a book. The performer asks the spectator to go to page one and, without any fudge-o moves whatsoever, proceeds to mentally read off the first sentence of the book. But wait, that's not all. In order to prove that the performer has not just memorized the first sentence of each book , the performer proceeds to read a few more sentences. But wait, that's not all. To emphasize the fairness of the whole thing, the performer continues to finish off the first page and works all the way to the end of the chapter. But wait, that's not all. To really bring it home, the performer proceeds to mentally read the entire book, that's right, the entire thing from cover to cover. A fascinating combination of powerful mentalism and long-winded storytelling.
(d) Dice Bomb Dreams: From the creative mind of magic's own Jeff Zestyitaliansaladdressing, Dice Bomb Dreams is an incredible journey into the Dice Bomb Parallel Universe, one where everyone and everything is Dice Bomb. Although the effect itself defies description, last month's issue of Dice Bomb Aficionado described Dice Bomb Dreams as "...a veritable festival o' things Dice Bomb..." In contrast, this month's Magicality commented that Dice Bomb Dreams was "...a hellish nightmare destined to trigger a nuclear holocaust of apocalyptic proportions..." We'll let you decide for yourself.
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MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC
Did you know...
If you find it difficult to use the ITR given the invisibility, the generous use of fluorescent ribbons is a surprisingly effective guide.
Siegfried & Roy were originally Siegfried, Roy, & Schultz until the "incident".
Double lifts are infinitely more convincing when both cards are held in the same hand.
Some magicians deal with their stage fright by downing enormous quantities of alcoholic beverages before the show. The ones who are actually performing in the show drink even more.
Although P.T. Selbit came up with his stage name by reversing his actual name, Tibbles, there is no truth to the rumour Doug Henning came up with his name by reversing Gninneh.
Storing an appearing cane in your pocket will lead to either (a) a modest injury; or, (b) a phone number.
When magic shop owners tell you "it's on back order", what they really mean is "we weren't going to bother stocking this loser until you came along".
There are plenty of practical solutions for performers plagued with sweaty palms, we just aren't familiar with any of them.
This came out after the David Blaine escaped from the Ice Block;
At 1500 hours today I'm going to submerge part of my body in warm, soapy water. I had a special tub designed that allows me to lay flat and add even hotter water if the original water becomes tepid. I had the tub placed close to a toilet, so if I need to release fluids, I only have to stand (still in the water partially) and test my strength and aim. My doctor, Seymour LaFong, states if I stay in the water too long, I risk getting overly clean and having my hands and feet become very, very wrinkly. Also, if I happen to fall asleep, while in the tub, I could possibly drown, further adding to the risk. To make this even more difficult, I will have David Blaines special playing on a near-by monitor for the entire time I'm in the "tub of watery soapy death chamber thing". I must repeat this is a stunt and not a magic trick. I spent months training for this, taking daily vigorous showers. I'm now ready, so please wish me luck, and pray that my phone doesn't ring.
