How about a few heckler lines....
I don't know what your problem is,
but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce!
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time
to humiliate yourself in public
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
MORE STOPPERS
"Hey, do I come to McDonald's and make fun of the way you fry the McNuggets?"
"There's a big-hearted guy- with a stomach to match!"
"Why are you being mean to me now when you were so nice in the men's room before?"
"I'd love to run into you again sometime- preferably while you're walking and I'm driving."
And the following two are good if the heckler is drunk-
"Sir, move closer to the wall- it's already plastered!"
"It's alright folks, I acted the same way when I had my first beer"
If your parents got a divorce would they still be brother and sister?
The ongoing saga of life on Planet Dweeb
Hold on... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
Hey! Quit hogging all the ugly!
Equal rights for morons takes its toll.
How long can one live without a brain? - Excuse me, Sir, how old are you?
Yes, the gentleman in the flesh-coloured bathing cap, please! (When pointing to a heckler)
Oh, you are bald - and I thought you were sitting upside-down!
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
...so free of the ravages of intelligence
...so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes
Would you like someone to take the cork off your dinner?
Mind like a steel trap -- full of mice
You’ve got to admire someone who has the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts.
So many obituaries...And always the wrong ones
The lights are on but no-one's at home
One wheel spinning in the dirt
Got into the gene pool while the life guard wasn't watching
Depriving a village somewhere of an idiot
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
A room temperature IQ
So dense that light bends around him
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean
Its hard to believe that he beat three million other sperm
A sandwich short of a picnic
Not quite a full packet of P.K.
Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thingy that holds them all together
Are you smiling or did you swallow a pencil side-ways?
A gross ignoramus -- (144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus).
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
Donated his mind to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 90 minutes to watch "60 Minutes."
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
ON THE JOB
I got a job working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
When I worked for Goodyear, I just got too tired.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef
I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the musta
HANDLING VOLENTEERS
If someone is slow at responding to a request - "Take your time - I’m paid by the hour."
Do you believe in reincarnation? Yes - Welcome back
No - Bad luck
Having got the spectator to select a card. Cut to any card - announce the card i.e. "Two of spades".
They respond "No"
You say "What do you mean ‘No’"
"That’s not my card"
"I didn’t say it was your card, just that its the Two of Spades!"
I won’t embarrass you any more - Nature has already done that!
When a volunteer tries to make a joke:
"Gee - It’s so much easier when the audience brings their own material."
"There but for the absence of humour, goes a joke."
When a volunteer laughs inappropriately:
"Look at that - I'm funny and I don't even know it!"
When admiring a ladies hands:
"Do you file your nails?"
Yes - What an unusual hobby. I just trim mine and throw them away.
No - Neither do I, I just trim mine and throw them away.
If someone is slow at responding to a request - "You're not from West Palm Beach, are you?"
Introducing yourself
I come from a long line of magicians. In fact my great grandfather was a magician on the Titanic...
They say he went down very well ...with the audience.
I once performed for the king of Poland. At least he said he was the king of Poland.
What he said was "If you're a magician I'm the king of Poland.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
When approaching a table: "Hello, my name is... and I'm the entertainment.
My job is to be amazing - Your job is to be amazed. I'll do my best to keep my end of the bargain, and I'll leave the rest up to your consciences.
Good evening, its nice to meet you
To make your acquaintance is good
To shake your hand would be really quite grand
But I'm not too sure that I should!
You see I am a man of illusion
So now you have something to fear
While performing a trick, my hands can move quick
And your money might just disappear!
One time I said "Remember an apple a day keeps the doctor away" One kid yelled out "Oh yeah what about the cops".
I wasn't always a magician. I started out as a Police reporter. I had to report to them every day.
When Things go Wrong...
When you drop something -
"There’s the floor show."
"You should have seen me practise!"
"I override so many rules of nature - I just wanted to test if at least gravity still works!"
When people don't applaud - "Hey you’re a lot like me. The first time I saw this I forgot to clap too!"
Usually when I perform this effect, I wait for the thunderous applause to stop and then I say...
When you foul up a trick - "Yes but cant you just feel the tension growing."
"It says in the instructions to never perform this effect on a
"I'm sorry. This is my first day with the new hands. (When screwing up something)"
If there is a loud noise (perhaps from backstage) -
"I'll have to oil those sound effects" or
"I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that" or
just "Pardon me"
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
E.S.P. & Mentalism
Raise your hand if you believe in E.S.P... O.K. now raise your hand if you can spell E.S.P.
This next trick is about ESP. You know what that stands for don’t you - Entertaining Simple People.
Do you believe in E.S.P? No, I hear you think.
Do you know why ESP is so-called? It is named after its inventor -- Enid Sophie Pringle.
I would like to demonstrate mental telepathy. You see I am mentally telepathetic
Got these from Mike Close's Page
Magic Good News and Bad News.....
Good news - You and your show make the local newspapers.
Bad news - It's because your flash pot set fire to the theater.
Good news - You finally were able to purchase a bunny for your act.
Bad news - The rabbit is expecting.
Good news - The local magicians' club is coming to your house for a visit.
Bad news - The local magicians' club is coming to your house for a visit.
Good news - The ladies' auxiliary raved about your show.
Bad news - They also rave about Jerry Springer, Ripple Wine, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Good news - You spent a lot of money to buy a macaw to swoop down and pick a card from your hand, ala Brett Daniels.
Bad news - The bird is nearsighted.
Good news - Somebody gives you a $100 gift certificate for magic.
Bad news - It is only good for Paul Fox cups from Jeff Busby.
Good news - After years of practice, you can do a diagonal side steal.
Bad news - You just met a twelve year old kid who can do it better.
Good news - At work you showed off by doing Out of This World, Oil &Water, Triumph and a Reverse Matrix.
Bad news - All your co-workers talked about for the rest of the day was the guy who borrowed your deck when you were through and did the 21 card trick.
Good news - You got a great price on flashpaper.
Bad news - You had to buy a quarter ton and it is somewhere in Oklahoma in a Ryder truck
Top Five Geraldo Investigations Into Magic
5. I Know How You Did That: 24 Hours With Boozo, The Bitter, Old Clown
4. Magic's Dirty Little Secret: Magicians Who Practice!
3. Hey Copperfield, Hands Off Our Statue!: America Speaks Out
2. Magic's Secretive Secrets Revealed: Revealing The Revealer's Revelations
1. I Hate Siegfried & Roy: Tony The Tiger Lays Down The Law
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE MAGIC CONVENTION YOU'RE ATTENDING IS LAME
5. There's a stage show and competition, a close-up show and competition, and a Dice Bomb show and competition. The latter somehow turns out to be really, really good.
4. The featured guest performers are Phil Harris, Jeff McBridge, Alpo Colombini, Ernie DeCamps, Bill Maloon, Chet Long, Gary Hurtz, Juan Tamarintz, and David Broth.
3. The lecturers take attendance. One of the spectators is given a detention...and the assertion he "didn't put up his hand" is never really verified, certainly not to everyone's satisfaction.
2. The highlight of the dealers' room is the "Honest Eddie Fontaine's Emporium O' Magical Goodies & Bulk Dog Food" booth. This is closely followed by the guy selling arts & crafts fashioned with hardened bodily fluids.
...and the number one sign the magic convention you're attending is lame...
1. No slagging or backstabbing
You have been invited to perform for Her Majesty, the Queen of England, and guests at Buckingham Palace. The performance is going flawlessly when, all of a sudden, some flash paper spontaneously ignites and damages the rest of your act. What is your best course of action?
(a) Bit*h slap some of the visiting dignitaries. In the ensuing melee, you should find the time to undertake the necessary repairs.
(b) Insist the whole mess is the work of a secret, underground Argentinean militia working in concert with football hooligans and the paparazzi. Leave quickly but, on your way out, nod in a conspiratorial fashion in Prince Philip's direction to throw off the tabloids; they love stuff like that. Besides, you may be right. If it were a real conspiracy you wouldn't know anyway.
(c) Take off your pants. Again, this should be an instinctive fall-back position.
(d) Repeat all the effects you performed earlier stating to your audience, "Maybe this time you COULD pay attention...that is IF you're still not too BUSY carrying on with your SILLY little conversations." The caps are for emphasis.
(e) Mention you just haven't been the same since being passed over for knighthood, in particular since you've done more for humanity than Sean Connery. Make unflattering comments about "Zardoz".
You are table-hopping at a local restaurant. Halfway through your performance of Needle Thru Arm for a family of four, the waiter comes by and sets a large pepperoni pizza on the table. The family appears anxious to dig in. What is your best course of action?
(a) Upend the table. Don't worry about getting pizza over everyone, they'll understand; you're an artist for god's sake. While upending the table, state in a relatively loud voice, "FOOD IS FOR MERE MORTALS...MAGIC IS FOR ETERNITY!"
(b) Continue performing. Should anyone reach for a slice, state, in no uncertain terms, "If you touch that pizza before I'm finished performing, I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ENSUING CARNAGE!"
(c) Take advantage of the situation to demonstrate your strong improvisatory skills. Pick off four pieces of pepperoni and go directly into your favourite coins across routine. When done, eat the pieces of pepperoni. Grab four more pieces of pepperoni and two slices of the pizza and perform your favourite coin assembly. When done, eat both the pepperoni and the two slices. Finally, grab the remaining pizza, form it into a cone, and go into your favourite milk pitcher routine. When done, eat the balance of the pizza. Move on to your next audience. The table will be completely enamoured with not only your strong improvisatory skills, but also your deft efficiency.
(d) Drop your pants. Isn't it amazing how useful this technique can be?
(e) Clear one of your nasal passages in the general direction of the pizza. In most cases, this will be enough to ensure you have the rapt, undivided attention of your audience. Once your performance is over and you're ready to move on to the next table, it is considered a common courtesy to wipe off the offending substance. Always carry a few napkins for this purpose.
TOP FIVE REASONS NO ONE IS BUYING YOUR NEW MAGIC TRICK
5. You used the expressions "zany antics" and "zowie" in the ad.
4. The instructions are suspiciously legible and conspicuously well illustrated.
3. Profitable distribution techniques and the trunk of your car have very little in common.
2. You misjudged the demographic of Field & Stream's readership.
...and the number one reason no one is buying your new magic trick...
1. Naming it Detonating Dice isn't fooling anyone.
-J.D.
HOUDINI JOKES
If Houdini were alive today, what would he be famous for?
He'd be the oldest man alive.
If Houdini were alive today, what would he be doing?
Scratching on the inside of his coffin.
You are hired to perform walkaround at a corporate function. Ten minutes prior to going on, you find out the evening is double-booked as the organizers have inadvertently hired another magician to perform. What is your best course of action?
(a) When the function gets underway, try to get to every group before the other magician does. During your performance, note the presence of the other magician and comment on how it's great that the local penitentiary's outreach program has yielded some positive dividends. Mention you had no idea that someone who not too long ago was a crazed, axe-wielding psychotic could come so far in such a short time, in particular given the horrendously gruesome nature of their crimes. Don' worry about being viewed as unprofessional; the key is to appear very positive about your competitor's "progress".
(b) Prior to going on, quietly mention to your competitor that you were told the only thing this crowd wants to see is the Dice Bomb, and nothing but the Dice Bomb.
(c) There's no point in competing head on so you'll need to take the low road. When you notice your competitor is distracted, run outside and vandalize their car…and I mean vandalize. None of this half-measure stuff with toilet paper and whatnot. No. You want the kind of vandalism that requires big nasty tools and acetylene torches. You want the kind of vandalism where halfway through the act, you sort of stop, take measure of your life, and realize that maybe, just maybe, you need help…but then you just as quickly slip back into denial. You want the kind of vandalism that would make your mother weep were she to see your mugshot in the newspaper. You want the kind of vandalism…you get the picture.
(d) Take off your pants. Although, to some of you, the objective of this strategy may not be fully obvious, it will become clear in time…you just need to let go.
(e) Go up to your competitor just before the show and mention what a huge fan you are. Ask for a big stack of business cards cause you want to "paste them all over your bedroom". During your performance, make a lot of crude and totally inappropriate innuendo, and make boorish and unflattering comments about everything from your corporate host to the Vatican. Hand out "your card" at the end of each performance.
Fun magic on airplanes;
Have a bunched up napkin sitting on your tray or the armrest. Hook it up to an ITR. When the captain announces the plane has begun its descent, cause it to begin floating. Mention to your seat mate this must be the same principle as in NASA's KC-135 Ron Howard used to film the weightlessness scenes in Apollo 13.
You are performing one of your nightly magic revues aboard a cruise ship. Word comes that the ship has hit an iceberg and is fast sinking. What is your best course of action ?
(a) Continue performing. You are a professional and need not be distracted by these nuisances. Inform whoever it is who passed on the news that next time they should think twice about interrupting an artist in mid-performance. Be as condescending as humanly possible.
(b) Get out your Lota Bowl and go into some sort of routine. If you time it just right, and with Mother Nature's serendipitous participation, you will have one heck of a climax. This is once in a lifetime so go for it!
(c) The pants thing.
(d) Go immediately into your Audience Rope Escape routine. Tie up as many women and children as you can. Use some of your silks if you must. This will ensure there is more room for you and the rest of your expensive magic equipment on the emergency boats.
(e) Head immediately to the bridge. As there is likely to be a lot of noise and activity on the bridge, you will need to use a firm tone when you tell everyone to shut the hell up. Corner the captain and inform him/her you expect to be paid for the entire two weeks, in particular as it was his/her incompetence that got you into this mess in the first place. Don't take anything other than "yes" for an answer.
-- JD
"People often ask me if I can make a living doing magic. Of corse, I don't mind if they ask that BEFORE the show"
-Gregory Wilson
(This isn't really a one-liner, but that doesn't make it uncool. The magicer takes a cracker or cookie.) "I can make this disappear." (Now do a french drop or other vanish move, but keep your hand closed.Reach into your pocket for 'magic fairy dust', at the same time crumble the cookie up in your hand, and sprinkle the crumbs on top of your closed hand 'with the cookie in it'. Now show it has vanished.) "OK, I admit, it's a crumby trick."
not really
"You know, I got a really short-term memory. Who gave me this again?" The moron says,"I did." You say, "Yo, thanks a lot," and put it in your pocket. You can substitute 'yo' for something else if you don't be likin' that word.) You can also say, "You all witnessed what he said, right? He GAVE ME this money."
(Pathetically and exageratedly classic palm a coin. Reach into someone's ear and make it appear.)"Look! You seem to have a cash-ear."
Kinda new..!-(Magician holds up a lighter, and a match, or some item that weighs less)and asks,"Which one of these is heavier?"(They pick the lighter)"No, thats the 'lighter'."
(Magician borrows a ring, or other item)"Don't worry, you'll get your ring back. This is my third time doing this trick, and I've only lost what, two rings?"
"You take this end of the rope, and you take the other. Now both of you jerk on each end. Great! Now we have a jerk on each end!"
"Pick any card. Not that one."
"Wanna see the fastest card trick in the world?"(magician doesn't move)"Wanna see it again?"(This is old, but a lot of people haven't heard of it.)
"I will make this one-dollar bill worth more in value. Maybe a ten, maybe a twenty, I don't know.(Magician folds up bill, then un-folds it.)"See? Now you see it 'in-creases' "
"You know, I hate this marker. You see that worn off writing on the side? Well, it used to say 'permanent
For You Jugglers
I learned to juggle by mail... I guess I lost a few lessons.
I'm so nervous I even keep coffee awake!
I may look pretty bad, but this is the first drop I've had tonight!
Sometimes I does, sometimes I doesn't and sometimes I does it a dozen times before I does it!
Just washed these clubs and I can't do a thing with them!
I must have cut my juggler vein when I was shaving today!
And this one will prove that talent and genius aren't confined to the rich and famous!
When the audience applauds, look up and say, "You don't really have to applaud, I'm not going to quit until I get through."
When the audience doesn't applaud, say, "I know you're out there because I can hear you breathing." Or, "I don't see how you can sleep with the lights on in here." Or, "Applause makes some jugglers nervous, but it doesn't bother me a bit."
When juggling dangerous objects, say, "This frightens me out of my wits, but it's good to get out every once in a while!"
Prestidigitation and moviemaking have always shared a special relationship. Be it Harry Houdini performing in silent movies, or David Copperfield sharing the screen with Jaime Lee Curtis, magic and magicians are no strangers to Hollywood. Sometimes, however, the magic never makes it past the editing stage. Which of the following do scholars consider was the greatest scene not to survive the editor's cut?
(a) The Godfather (1971): The scene where Sonny Corleone (James Caan) is viciously gunned down at the tollbooth by thugs from a rival family was originally shot with a bunch of circus clowns bludgeoning him to death with Dove Pans. The scene was removed after a mass demonstration by the International Association of Dove Pan Wielding Circus Clowns (IADPWCC). The demonstration itself was notable for its unprecedented level of clown violence. One journalist described the carnage as "...a horrendous and unthinkable orgy of blood, white pancake, squeaky red noses, and curly orange hair..."
(b) The Ten Commandments (1956): The scene where Moses (Charlton Heston) attempts to impress the Pharaoh by transforming his walking staff into a snake was originally shot with him performing Hippity Hop Rabbits. The movie studio, concerned that Hippity Hop Rabbits would not be invented for another 4000 years, snuffed the shot. Some rumours have Heston initially substituting in a full-length dove act but, again, the top hat and cape were considered apt to attract criticism from history scholars.
(c) Star Wars (1977): The light sabre was the eventual improvement on George Lucas' original idea to have Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), Darth Vader (Whoopi Goldberg), etc...fighting among themselves with Fantasio Appearing Canes. The failing of the original idea was the inability of the scriptwriters to justify having the main characters whip out silks every time a fight was about to break out, although careful observers will note the basic mechanics of the Fantasio cane were used in the light sabre animation. As a side note, "May the Riffle Force be with you" was also modified for general audiences.
(d) The French Connection (1971): Although the 1971 Best Picture Oscar went to this classic, the outcome may have been very different. A significant brouhaha erupted at 20th Century Fox when it emerged director William Friedkin was planning to base the crime plot not on the illegal importation of heroin from France but, rather, Dice Bombs from Fiji. Gene Hackman, who played Jimmy "Popeye" Doyle, threatened to walk if Dice Bombs were used, in part due to his own outrage over what he described as "...that festering, dice-soaked menace..."
(e) The Birds (1963): The working title for Alfred Hitchcock's classic thriller was originally titled "The Doves". Initial production shots centred around the idea of a psychotic stage magician who would use crystal-meth-charged killer-doves to progressively slaughter his audience during the course of a full evening show. The project was eventually discontinued in favour of the version with which we're all familiar as the only doves willing to ingest the necessary quantities of meth were all in rehab at the time.
UNLEASHING THE MOMENT ON ELEVATORS
- When you get on the elevator, have an empty, covered styrofoam coffee cup in hand hooked up to your ITR. Act as if it's full. An ill-mannered slurp through the little hole in the cover should draw enough attention. Have it float up during the elevator's descent. Giggle like a little girl.
- Hang around the elevator banks. When someone approaches the button, preferably a group of people, get to it first and trigger your Funken ring. Make it look as painful as possible. Watch as the group seeks to prevent others from hurting themselves. Quietly slip away during the ensuing congestion.
- Get an Otis Elevator badge. Put it on your jacket. Get on the elevator with someone else making sure they notice the badge. Once in the elevator and before the door closes, look up quickly, breathe in sharply while giving the elevator a little shake as if you're testing something, look as worried as you possibly can, use your arm to temporarily block the door from closing muttering "I don't believe this...", and quickly get off.
- Have a piece of broken cable hidden in your jacket. As you get on the elevator, feign noticing something in the door jamb and "yank" on it while secretly introducing the broken cable. Say something along the lines of "I wonder what this is for..." as the door closes.
- If you're on the elevator with just one person, quickly grab the little phone as soon as the elevator gets underway and quietly say "He's (She's) on the elevator. It's a go." Hang up and make it obvious you're trying to avoid eye contact.
- Hit the buttons for three consecutive floors when you get on. As soon as you get to the first, dash out and run up the stairs to the next floor. If the timing is right, you should be able to get back on the same elevator on this floor. Get off at the next floor.
Mentalism, in all its various forms, represents an interesting branch of magic. Focusing less on traditional pursuits like sleight-of-hand, and more on psychology and a deep understanding of human nature, the field of mentalism is one of mesmerizing wonderment. What do scholars generally agree is one of the most powerful commercially available mentalism routines in existence today?
(a) Psi-Anide: A compelling routine wherein the mentalist attempts to determine who, from among a group of volunteering spectators poised to ingest ludicrous quantities of cyanide, will die first.
(b) Inti-Mind-Ation: Performer writes a prediction on a chalkboard which faces away from audience. A spectator comes forward and is strapped into a chair with nylon restraints. The spectator is then asked to name any number that comes to mind. The spectator is then asked to name another number, but this time a "better" number. After a few more attempts, several somewhat shady "magician's assistants" are called out on stage to "reason" with the spectator. This goes on until such time the spectator says the "right" number. The chalkboard is turned around and the prediction matches the spectator's number. Comes complete with chalkboard, chalk, and nylon restraints. Easy clean-up.
(c) X-Zoom: Performing in a cemetery, the mentalist writes a number on a piece of paper which is then folded and handed to a spectator. The spectator's recently deceased loved one is then dug up, the change taken from the pockets, and the value of the coins is summed. The prediction is opened and it matches the total. Comes complete with pen, paper, that special something, and shovel. Can be repeated.
(d) Plane Of Thought: Performer is thoroughly blindfolded in keeping with standard test criteria and then forcefully commandeers the cockpit of a commercial 767-300. Although blindfolded, performer successfully takes off, flies to destination, lands, and puts aircraft at appropriate gate for passenger deplaning. Still blindfolded, performer stands outside cockpit during deplaning to extend best wishes to passengers with a standard "B'bye". Comes complete with everything necessary to perform this reputation-maker. Instant reset.
(e) New-Ronz: A leading-edge piece of comedy mentalism. The pros' favourite. U.K. mentalist, Arsenal Manchester, writing in the September issue of MindPlux asserted in regards to New-Ronz "Isn't this illegal?". We say something this good should be against the law and...YOWZA...probably is. Performer holds up a large envelope, states they will "read someone's mind", and asks for an audience volunteer to step forward. The lights are dimmed. The spectator is then injected with something which appears to put them under. The performer then uses a scalpel and saw to open the spectator's head and removed their brain. The envelope is opened and a charming, space-age plastic card is removed. The card is turned over and a beautiful, three-colour, silk-screened image of a human brain is shown. It "matches" the spectator's brain. Performer has succeeded in "reading the spectator's mind". Hilarious. Plays well, packs small.
